— @dalailama (via aspergersissues)
OF COURSE bad sex isn’t rape. Duh to the ten millionth fucking power.
But sex without consent is. Sex with underage people when you’re an adult is. Sex with someone who can’t consent is. Sex when someone has said “no” and you keep on going is. Really. Whether we want to call it that or not. Whether we like the person and want to make excuses to keep having sex with them at times they don’t disregard our consent.
Just because someone doesn’t resonate with the label for their abuse doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. FFS, people.
So I recently began frequenting Fetlife a little bit more. One of the first messages I’ve received since my return was by a man who, upon seeing that I’m a member of a group dedicated to rape survivors, decided to ask:
“…I also see youre in a ‘survivor’s” group. Were you ever fucked or forced to do anything sexually in real life when you were younger by an older man? Or is that just for awareness?”
Of course his tactless question made me bristle. I have NEVER talked to him before in my life. Who the fuck does he think he is asking a question like that?
Not wanting to overreact in the event he REALLY didn’t know that that’s an insensitive question, and as always wanting to avoid being mean, I responded by simply stating that yes, I am a survivor of rape and that, for future reference, simply asking “Are you a survivor or a supporter?” would be preferable and less abrasive.
His response? (Copied and pasted, people.)
“Well I’m sorry if i tried to be a lil more sensitive. I can leave you alone if that was a problem. Im looking to get off..not fight or be “schooled” by you. Ive been meeting girls your age offline in real life meets for over 10 years. Im pretty sure i know what Im doing”
Oh really? I really wouldn’t have been able to tell by how tactless and inappropriate your opening message was..I feel bad for ANY girl that this man has met with. It’s hard to imagine someone so out of touch and insensitive being a very good Dom, or sexual partner in general.
Not sure what the point of this ranting is, except to maybe remind people to THINK BEFORE THEY SPEAK. What if that HAD been what had happened to me? What if I wasn’t in as good (if you can call it that) a place in terms of putting it behind me as I am, and even the mention of abuse set me off?
I WAS just going to rant here and then ignore this asshat, but the more I think about it, I don’t want to set them free to potentially trigger someone else or make light of what happened to them.
(I also feel the need to mention how piggish it is for him to be “looking to get off” when I’m CLEARLY listed as being in a relationship and my profile CLEARLY specifies I’m looking for friends, not hookups.)
Seems like blasphemy, right? Being a BDSMer but not supporting the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. There are places where actions that take place in a scene would still be considered illegal, which is something the NCSF fights against.
i follow Consent Culture, Yes Means Yes, and now maymay over at May Be Maimed but Never Harmed. And all bring up a rather valid point, in connection to the shutting up of rape survivors on Fetlife. Which continues to do so, saying that only convictions count, a fact supported by the NCSF. Boiling things down to its bluntest, the NCSF is a PR account, that puts a positive spin on all aspects of BDSM and, naturally, tries to quiet down any reports of abuse or other negative aspects of the community in order to legitimize BDSM itself. It is that sort of thinking about why it took a long time for an all inclusive ENDA to be put forth; sacrifice a few things now (in this case, the valid feelings of survivors and power abuses by leaders) to get some form of legality now.
It is because of this, and the inability to see that true legitimization comes from enforcing things that are just plain wrong, such as rape and taking advantage, that i can’t support that organization.
i don’t really support Fetlife either (point of fact, they used to support bestiality and pedophilia groups in the past, before needing to process credit cards; even then, groups such as Bestial Encounters still exist), but currently it is the only game in town for kink and socializing (especially since i am one of those backwards types that refuses to get a facebook account).
Reading all this, would you support the NCSF or Fetlife?
Someone who accuses you of “creating drama” in this case is basically saying that abusing & raping one’s partner might be bad, but making people feel weird about it at parties is worse."