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#abuse enabling

“She is DANGER to other road users - especially those driving - she will distract you with her sexiness”

Report abusive behavior by FetLife user (FAADE data)

At one point, some folks from fet decided to increase the noise to signal ratio and spam the abuse report database with a bunch of joke entries on themselves. 

Maymay pointed out how “group social dynamics intended to cover up information about possible abuses from spreading through social networks” could actually be mapped by analyzing these entries.

As fascinating as that was, I’m struck by how many of these joke entries involve being hot without consent of the viewer. That’s so meta it makes my brain hurt.

She is just too yummy and nice. I want to play with her forever. Mainly between her boobs.

should not be allowed to post pictures as she is to dam sexy

Constantly distracts people with tight corsets and fantastic tits

For being too much of a bird and flirting with me.

She is slimmer than me. I did NOT consent to this. I demand she stops this instant.

Makes my mouth water for his cock

Seriously smoking hot. She made my knees go wobbly. I’m pretty sure I didn’t consent to fancying her. ;)

I’m sure some of these people are actually dating or friends with the people in question. And that they think they’re being cute. But really, it’s just kinda icky and creepy. Way to demonstrate that we don’t need no consent tools or education.

Boy Scouts failed to report child molesters - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette »

…The details are contained in the organization’s confidential “perversion files,” a blacklist of alleged molesters, that the Scouts have used internally since 1919. Scouts’ lawyers around the country have been fighting in court to keep the files from public view.

As The Times reported in August, the blacklist often didn’t work: Men expelled for alleged abuses returned to the program, only to be accused of molesting again. Now, a more extensive review has shown Scouts sometimes abetted molesters by keeping allegations under wraps.

In the majority of cases, the Scouts learned of alleged abuse after it had been reported to authorities. But in more than 500 instances, the Scouts learned about it from victims, parents, staff members or anonymous tips.

In about 400 of those cases — 80 percent — there is no record of Scouting officials reporting the allegations to police. In more than 100 cases, officials actively sought to conceal the alleged abuse or allowed the suspects to hide it, The Times found.

In 1976, five Boy Scouts wrote detailed complaints accusing a Pennsylvania scoutmaster of two rapes and other sex crimes, according to his file. He abruptly resigned in writing, saying he had to travel more for work.

“Good luck to you in your new position,” a top troop representative wrote back. He said he accepted the resignation “with extreme regret.”

Scouting officials declined to be interviewed for this article. In a prepared statement, spokesman Deron Smith said, “We have always cooperated fully with any request from law enforcement and today require our members to report even suspicion of abuse directly to their local authorities.”

The organization instituted that requirement in 2010. Before then, the policy was to obey state laws, which didn’t always require youth groups to report abuse. But in some instances, the Scouts may have violated state laws.

A cover sheet that accompanied many confidential files included a check box labeled “Internal (only scouts know)” as an option for how cases were resolved.

A form letter sent to leaders being dismissed over abuse allegations stated: “We are making no accusations and will not release this information to anyone, so our action in no way will affect your standing in the community.”

That letter was included in the organization’s 1972 policy on how to remove unfit leaders, which, according to an attached memo, was kept confidential “because of misunderstandings which could develop if it were widely distributed.”

The files at times provide an incomplete account of how abuse allegations were resolved. In his statement, the Scouting spokesman said, “In many instances, basic details are missing as they were not relevant to the BSA’s sole reason for keeping files, which was to help identify and keep a list of individuals deemed to be unfit for membership in Scouting.”

Still, they reveal a culture in which even known molesters were shown extraordinary deference.

The Boy Scouts’ lawyers have long contended that keeping such files confidential is key to protecting the privacy of victims, of those who report sexual abuse and of anyone falsely accused. But over the years, hundreds of the files have been admitted into evidence — usually under seal — in lawsuits brought by alleged victims….

“Community leaders in the BDSM community often become community leaders because they’re willing to do things for people. They may host play parties or BDSM events. They may conduct classes in rope work. They may donate money to causes that are important to BDSM. They’re community leaders because they perform some kind of service that people benefit from.

And people don’t like losing that benefit. They may feel that if a community leader is accused of inappropriate behavior, he might stop hosting play parties, or they might not have the opportunity to learn from him. That creates a powerful incentive for them to find reasons to discredit accusations of assault or other inappropriate behavior. Or, worse yet, if the perpetrator withdraws from the community, they can act like it’s the victim’s fault they’re not getting to go to those play parties or getting that education any more.”

Franklin Veaux’s Journal - Assault and consent in the BDSM community

And yet, for all the fact that the BDSM community talks the talk about consent, even to the point of smug self-congratulation, it’s far too common that folks in the BDSM community aren’t really serious about consent.

the Demon, Kia:

Here’s the thing, yo. I don’t know if I can keep having anything to do with ‘kink community’. I may just phase out FL, now that I’ve archived much of what I care about over here. I’m having big waves of “I give up” about all this abuse-culture shit . ….

It’s seeing that the overwhelming majority of kinksters are apparently deeply rape-apologetic & abuse-enabling while chattering about how ‘safe’ ‘kink community’ is . .. … ~cheerleadcheerleadrahrahrah~

I was apparently under the misapprehension that fine nuances of consent were actually important to the majority of the ‘kink community’, but I think that might have been a very naive take on the situation. Like I said, clearly the majority of kinksters think that the ever-popular we-negotiated-a-nice-flogging-&-some-bondage-but-some-illicit-fingering-got-thrown-in-against-safewording-repeatedly is both not a big deal (certainly not such that someone subjected to such treatment should, say, identify the consent-violator) & death-penalty-deserving-rape all at the same time (ie, cops must verify that the rape is ‘important’ enough to be worth other people being ‘concerned’) — at best. :/

& I just can’t. I’m kinda sickened & repelled. I might finally have reached my limit. & that actually feels like a good & healthy place to have reached. This wasn’t the ‘kink community’ I thought it was, & I’ve kinda battered myself in the face with that reality enough to have had enough …

(link added)


This is one of the more disgusting aspects of the BDSM scene in general and FL in particular. The “no snitches” attitude that, in practice, makes it worse to accuse someone of rape than to rape someone, because there is no social sanction for the latter without allowing the former.

Yeah, wouldn’t it be sad if guys had to worry about someone accusing them of rape every time they had sex, or were even alone together? Why, I’d imagine men would have to be extremely careful of which women they allowed into their lives, and would have to contrive never to be alone with strangers. They’d probably have to check dark alleys for women before they could enter one. In a world where you could just accuse someone of rape and be essentially sure there were no consequences, imagine how many men might be accused! Probably as many as one in four men would have to deal with an accusation of rape.

Thank god we have an entire society devoted to protecting men from that nightmare reality.

…and the rape (finally) hits the fan on FetLife


Why is it more ethical for someone to tell all their friends (who presumably tell all their friends, etc.) that Mr. Bad Top is bad news, v. posting a journal entry saying “Mr. Bad Top is bad news”? As far as I can see, if Mr. Bad Top is innocent, he’s in a better position in the second case — he’s more likely to find out that he’s being accused, and he can then speak up with his side of the story.

This snippet is good enough, but then I went and read the post it was commenting on, which I’ma repost here before it gets fucking disappeared:

I just received the following email.

Note | 646 Comments · 594 Love It |4 days ago

Hi there,
I’m a caretaker with the FetLife team. Recently we had a report about your writing, and after review, your writing has been edited and we are writing to let you know. Basically, it’s really not cool to post something that accuses another member of FetLife of a crime. So, we’re giving you a heads up that this behavior is discouraged on our site.
Please know that continued posts like this will result in a warning, and continued warnings can get you removed from FetLife. We really hate to do that, so we hope you’ll avoid any inappropriate comments in the future.
If you’re having a problem or conflict with another user – we want to help! Please let us know what’s going on, so that we can get involved and help to resolve the issue. We’d much rather do that, than play the bad guy :) We hope you understand, and if you have any questions or comments please don’t hesitate to get back to us.

This Caretaker edited my journal entry to remove the names of MATTHEW, who is not a user of the site anymore and another dominant member of the New York City scene who sexually penetrated me without my consent. He also removed a comment on the journal entry by @Cashmere, who stated that that same site user had similarly sexually penetrated her after she had explicitly told him not to interact with her genitals or penetrate her in any way.



>Dear yandy,

What you’ve gone through is terrible, and no one should ever have to go through it. As we’ve told you before, we’re totally fine with you talking about your experiences here on FetLife.
Unfortunately making criminal accusations is not currently allowed on FetLife, as you very well know. And now we’ve received another report of you making criminal accusations. Accordingly, we have edited out that part of that post as well, and are now giving you an official FetLife warning.
Please note – we are trying to make as minor of changes as we can to your posts, to preserve their integrity as much as we can while still keeping them within our rules. If there is anything we can help you with, please let us know


Dear yandy,
What has happened to you is terrible. No one is trying to deny that – not anyone that I have seen in that thread or elsewhere. And people who do that sort of thing to any other human beings should pay. They should have to pay for what they did to you. No matter what price they pay, that won’t restore you to the person you were before this occurred. But they damn well should have to pay to make it as close as possible!
Unfortunately, what you are trying to do doesn’t make that happen. Making criminal accusations is currently against FetLife rules, as you are very aware of. And those we will delete, but try to do so in such a manner as to change your writing or comments as little as possible.
I realize that you don’t agree with this policy. I wish that we could move forward together, to foster awareness of the problem within the community, to try to minimize the mindset among some who don’t seem to realize how wrong this is, and to help victims of sexual assault within our community in particular. Those things we stand ready to help foster and assist.

Then this post, as a response.

Hey Fetlife, you want my money? STOP PROTECTING RAPISTS.

Journal Entry | 410 Comments · 503 Love It |4 days ago

I’ve been on this site since the year it started and have paid to support it since. I love how it brings together even the farthest corners of the bdsm world, and it’s played an integral role in my career as a bdsm professional and businesswoman.

My support subscription ran out a week or so ago. At one point, I was certain that I was going my renewal would be as a lifetime supporter. Lately, I’ve been ambivalent, and THIS just clinches it.

Seriously Fet, WHAT THE FUCK. You silence victims and survivors while giving abusers a fucking megaphone. You want my money? Not until we’re able to talk freely about our own abuse and violation without censorship. And to anyone invested in establishing a consent culture in the bdsm world… well, money talks.

OFFICIAL PROTEST PETITION: No money until we pass Prop 429

Breaking news

Notice that the protest event above has been deleted by Fet, with no explanation or warning given to any of us. I guess it was working! Two more protest events have now taken its place.


Just in case anyone is curious, THIS is the reason I don’t hang out on FetLife. But wait, there’s more…

From the man himself, John Baku, site founder:

Clueless Response #1

In response to your “Edited again”:
Rape is one of the worse crimes anyone can commit. Words can’t describe how disgusting rape is and how much hate I have for anyone who has in any way shape or form sexually assaulted another person.
And the only way to protect others from a sexual offender is by putting them behind bars. Not talking about them on FetLife, Facebook, writing a blog post on the interwebs… etc. It does not prevent this person from doing what they did again to someone else.
Agreed… the legal system has failed many a person… but all this energy should be spent improving the system and not allowing other to name their abusers on a site that is not setup, nor has the resources, to give a fair trial to both parties.
So let’s put our energy towards locking up the rapists and throwing away the keys! This way those who have raped can’t do it again and those who would ever consider rape would be so scared shitless of the consequences they would never even consider it.

Clueless Response #2

@yandy Once again I apologize for the way Christopher handled the case. The case was mishandled and we’ve spoken to him about it.
The overall health of FetLife’s community is by far our number one priority and that is why all of us spend so much time reading what people are saying.
I’ve read suggestion 429 and I’ve also read a lot of other discussions on the topic. From what I’ve read, the community is split on what direction FetLife should take so as a community we need to continue to push our ideas further until we find something that the community, overwhelmingly, can get behind.
Hence, we will continue to iterate over our policies and procedures as we discover new ways to make them better for the community.

Let me just stop for a second and say something I definitely would not be allowed to say on FetLife regarding this choice bit:

Words can’t describe how disgusting rape is and how much hate I have for anyone who has in any way shape or form sexually assaulted another person. - John Baku

John Baku sexually assaulted me. Drunk. At a kink party. In front of many others. I have pictures, which he has personally asked me not to post.

In that I had met him before and was sort of fond of him and he sort of reminded me of another drunk misbehaving dumbass I once loved, I laughed it off. But let it be clear - the reason John sees no problem with any of this rape apologist bullshit is because he has a foggy ass notion of consent and acceptable behavior himself.

And because HE PERSONALLY benefits from people like me staying silent.

About the policy itself, from other members:


It’s not that Facebook permits criminal accusations because they’re sympathetic to potential rape victims and what the hey, we’re a massive company, who cares if we get sued. Every company out to make a profit doesn’t want to get sued. Facebook in fact, does permit criminal accusations to be made via Facebook before they are decided by a trial, sometimes with unusual results. Facebook doesn’t take a stance on criminal accusations because it’s not their fucking problem. The second they try to control it, they create a precedent for deciding that it is their fucking problem - and then they’re going to have to answer the question of why they didn’t comb through a seriously gigantic amount of data to find all the shit that a judge or a jury thinks they ought to have found. That’s not how Facebook’s going to roll. If you have a problem with something someone said on Facebook, Facebook will cheerfully direct you to your local law enforcement.

Take a look at that. That’s how a company with a legit team on counsel handles their business, as opposed to John Baku and whatever dinky mail-order law-school drop-out he picked up at the local bar five years ago or whatever the fuck he did instead of trying to run his business like something other than a clueless fuckhead. If you’re going to cover your ass, cover your ass fucking properly.

Right. So. FetLife is Canadian, so oh noes we cannot name the rapists. Yes, Canada does have much stronger privacy laws than the United States. I wonder if that’s why they’re running this shit out of Dallas. John Baku is based out of Vancouver, but his staff is scattered all over North America. Honestly, we don’t even know to what extent FetLife “is” a Canadian company. According to what I just linked to, they registered their domain in Arizona. I think that complicates the “oh no we’re Canadian” defense a wee bit.

But what really complicates the “oh noes they’re naming the rapists” argument is the whole “oh noes they’re talking about pedophilia and bestiality and whatnot but oh hey watch us not give a shit” argument. If FetLife really had legal reasons for covering their ass, they’d do a much better job. That means that, yeah, John Baku needs to step up and tell us why he supports a self-admitted abuser’s right to not have his old username besmirched over the right of a human being to talk about some devastating shit that happened to them. Shit that they might’ve not had to go through if people could use FetLife to warn each other about people on FetLife. Which is all we’re asking.

tl;dr Fuck you, FetLife. Fuck you raw.


If another person who has had no fucking experience reporting a kink scene related sexual assault to the police says to report an incident to the police, I swear I am going to burn the fucking Internet down.


If one more goddamn person says “Go to the cops”, I’m firebombing.

LIke the cops are going to do fuck-all. Seriously.

This is so fucked up.

See also: http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/theres-a-war-on-part-4-just-us/

And this:


Honestly, if someone’s advice is to go to the police or the courts, then that should be the same standard applied to libel and false accusations. If someone makes a false accusation against you, go to the police. Stop expecting fetlife to police people for you. Oh wait, now we see why that response is just a derail.

How to Make People Feel Special


1. Treat everyone equally – as if each person is important to you. If you are part of a group of friends, no individual should feel less liked, valued or wanted than others. Show respect for each person’s opinions and ideas. Don’t think of anyone as “unpopular”.

2. Be interested in others, and what matters to them (even if their interests seem boring to you). Being listened to affirms that you’re a valuable person – and often we’re just looking for a listening ear.

3. Be friendly, warm, outgoing and talk to everyone. It’s easy to ignore or overlook those who are shy, or those who feel awkward and don’t know what to say.

4. Be kind to everyone. Agreed, this can be hard as some people are a pain. But that is their issue – it’s not to do with you. It is possible they’re covering their low self-esteem, or expect to be rejected so they start to act that way. Also, if someone says something stupid, or embarrasses themselves, don’t react, or ignore them -still act like they’re a friend.

5. Use people’s names when you’re talking to them. It conveys that they are “someone”, and builds a stronger bond.

6. Compliment people. You don’t have to overdo it – but notice something good, or something that’s worth praising, in everyone you meet. However, make sure you sound sincere when you give a compliment.

7. Share the joke with everyone. Don’t make inside jokes – but always include everyone.

8. Also, do your best to have fun, and to laugh, with everyone. That helps to remove tension and to break the barriers down. 

While these seem like well meaning, kind-hearted communication tips, having just spent the morning reading up on rape/abuse culture and predators in general, some of this (tips 1, 3, and 4 in particular) strikes me as horrible advice for vulnerable populations as it may encourage them to ignore their own important boundaries and play into the hands of manipulative abusers.

Even if we generalized it to “these are good kindergarten-like principles to teach children to prevent isolation and ostracization”, go back and take a good look at number three. I had that attitude as a child, and it gave my mother fits.

my friends have the best observations

So, that thread, the Baku-started ‘Incest’ thread, is up to a 30+ page trainwreck where 4-6 ‘freedom fighters’ have taken it over & mock / snark / ‘out argue’ anyone who dares to question their vision of FL as a wild-wild-west of LIBERTY!!!!! . .. ..

It’s kinda beyond ugly. & note I’m specifically saying avoid it if at all inclined to, I can only skim over the many pages of the trollish types who’ve taken it over looking for new & unique posters to the thread. & I’m kinda amazed that the mods are letting that thread in that group be a free-for-all.

It’s, like, a synthesis of all that’s wrong with FL distilled into one thread. It rather confirms to me that there is only ‘frat boy’ culture in charge there. & some part of me wants to mark this as a beginning-of-the-end moment for FL in the larger out-&-organized kink ‘community’. It may take some years for the giant to fall, but all this weird priorities & arbitrary everything from Baku cannot be sitting well with the many sensible, responsible individuals out there . …..

For me that moment came when FetLife decided to solve these sorts of problems by hiring a Community Manager with an actual clue, picked an AWESOME one (Mollena), and then decided it wasn’t the best business decision for them after all and shitcanned the position shortly after.