Feel the Love

Confidential advice by phone or IM

#fucked up bullshit

Temple Grandin's Mother Links Autism With Viewing Child Pornography »










The link just goes to Dr. Willingham’s blog, not to any specific post, and I’m not seeing the post in question on the front page?

The link in the title went right to the post for me, but if not, the article is here :


Guys, the big link at the top to forbes.com? That’s the link to the article in question. The other link is just background on Emily Willingham.

Like, it’s a link post - that’s the type of post it is. Try the actual post link.

Yeah, that’s what I thought was the case, which was why I was a bit confused.

Yep. Sorry for being snappish about it, btw.

Oh I don’t think you were. I just thought that maybe someone’s browser screwed up. I know that when I pulled up the correct link on my phone, I had to skip some ads to pull up the right thing.

Actually, in order to get onto the Forbes site, they just make you click through that ad regardless :( It’s pretty annoying, but unlike other sites I’ve been on it’s a fairly simple matter to skip the ad.

ND (Republican) Congressman Kevin Cramer verbally attacks, humiliates Native victim's advocates in meeting about VAWA »

Cramer then stated that he wanted to “ring the Tribal council’s neck and slam them against the wall.”  This statement was made in front of a room full of people who are working to end violence.  Again, he went on and on about how Tribal governments are dysfunctional, and how unconstitutional the Tribal provisions in VAWA are.  At this point, the other Directors began to get up and walk out of the room. Cramer focused on how he thought a non-Native man would be treated unfairly in the Tribal Court.

He then said, “As a non-Native man, I do not feel secure stepping onto the reservation now.”

I asked, “Why?  What are you going to do?”

I know full well VAWA Tribal provisions only give Tribes limited jurisdiction over adult non-Native men who commit violent crimes against our Native women.  He said he “just don’t feel secure now.”

I told him, “Don’t beat up our women and you will be fine.”



As he got up to leave, Cramer saw how upset the other Native woman in the room was.  He grabbed her without her consent, hugging her. Then he said, “I love you.”

threw up in mouth a little gif

I just read this in its entirety. You should too. It’s important.

Among the things that will infuriate you:

I said, “You can talk all the hypotheticals you want, I lived it and I am thankful for the new VAWA.”

Cramer said, “I can’t get a fair trial.”

I said, “So, you’re telling me, with my brown face, that I can go anywhere small town USA and get a fair trial?  Is that what you’re saying?”

After a pause he said, “I speak out about that.”

There are a lot of men who can only have a conversation about VAWA and what it represents as it pertains to the possibility that they will commit an act of violence. Let your mind sit with that for a little bit.

Please read/share if you are a Bay Area sex worker/love a Bay Area sex worker!


Trigger Warning

So local sex workers have apparently been getting this mass, anonymous email/death threat.:

“to undisclosed recipients

I have seen you before and I look forward to seeing you again. I am

going to see you some time in March, and I want you to provide BBFS.

I will not tell you who I am, so you must provide BBFS BY DEFAULT to

every client for the next month. If your client brings up the idea of

a condom then by all means, use it. Do not bring it up yourself.

If this condition is not met when I see you I will kill you.

After I fuck you several times I will ask to take you out. You will

say yes to whatever request.

At the end of the night you will be generously rewarded, not before.

If you deny this request you will die. If you stop seeing clients for

the month of March, I will book a later appointment and kill you then.

This can be a pleasant experience or your last. Up to you.


This right after International Sex Workers Rights Day.

This is why we need rights. This is why we need safe work spaces. This is why we need to be able to report crimes against us.

My partner made the point that if this is for real, perhaps this guy isn’t actually looking for bareback sex. He might actually be looking to use a condom himself. He’s just sociopathic enough to want to force the sex workers to have a lot of unprotected sex while giving himself a clause in the email to protect *himself* from the diseases he exposed them to through intimidation. Then it’s not even ultimately about the direct death threat, but the spread of disease. :/ It’s possible.

What a controlling creep. Extremely disturbing.

…and the rape (finally) hits the fan on FetLife


Why is it more ethical for someone to tell all their friends (who presumably tell all their friends, etc.) that Mr. Bad Top is bad news, v. posting a journal entry saying “Mr. Bad Top is bad news”? As far as I can see, if Mr. Bad Top is innocent, he’s in a better position in the second case — he’s more likely to find out that he’s being accused, and he can then speak up with his side of the story.

This snippet is good enough, but then I went and read the post it was commenting on, which I’ma repost here before it gets fucking disappeared:

I just received the following email.

Note | 646 Comments · 594 Love It |4 days ago

Hi there,
I’m a caretaker with the FetLife team. Recently we had a report about your writing, and after review, your writing has been edited and we are writing to let you know. Basically, it’s really not cool to post something that accuses another member of FetLife of a crime. So, we’re giving you a heads up that this behavior is discouraged on our site.
Please know that continued posts like this will result in a warning, and continued warnings can get you removed from FetLife. We really hate to do that, so we hope you’ll avoid any inappropriate comments in the future.
If you’re having a problem or conflict with another user – we want to help! Please let us know what’s going on, so that we can get involved and help to resolve the issue. We’d much rather do that, than play the bad guy :) We hope you understand, and if you have any questions or comments please don’t hesitate to get back to us.

This Caretaker edited my journal entry to remove the names of MATTHEW, who is not a user of the site anymore and another dominant member of the New York City scene who sexually penetrated me without my consent. He also removed a comment on the journal entry by @Cashmere, who stated that that same site user had similarly sexually penetrated her after she had explicitly told him not to interact with her genitals or penetrate her in any way.



>Dear yandy,

What you’ve gone through is terrible, and no one should ever have to go through it. As we’ve told you before, we’re totally fine with you talking about your experiences here on FetLife.
Unfortunately making criminal accusations is not currently allowed on FetLife, as you very well know. And now we’ve received another report of you making criminal accusations. Accordingly, we have edited out that part of that post as well, and are now giving you an official FetLife warning.
Please note – we are trying to make as minor of changes as we can to your posts, to preserve their integrity as much as we can while still keeping them within our rules. If there is anything we can help you with, please let us know


Dear yandy,
What has happened to you is terrible. No one is trying to deny that – not anyone that I have seen in that thread or elsewhere. And people who do that sort of thing to any other human beings should pay. They should have to pay for what they did to you. No matter what price they pay, that won’t restore you to the person you were before this occurred. But they damn well should have to pay to make it as close as possible!
Unfortunately, what you are trying to do doesn’t make that happen. Making criminal accusations is currently against FetLife rules, as you are very aware of. And those we will delete, but try to do so in such a manner as to change your writing or comments as little as possible.
I realize that you don’t agree with this policy. I wish that we could move forward together, to foster awareness of the problem within the community, to try to minimize the mindset among some who don’t seem to realize how wrong this is, and to help victims of sexual assault within our community in particular. Those things we stand ready to help foster and assist.

Then this post, as a response.

Hey Fetlife, you want my money? STOP PROTECTING RAPISTS.

Journal Entry | 410 Comments · 503 Love It |4 days ago

I’ve been on this site since the year it started and have paid to support it since. I love how it brings together even the farthest corners of the bdsm world, and it’s played an integral role in my career as a bdsm professional and businesswoman.

My support subscription ran out a week or so ago. At one point, I was certain that I was going my renewal would be as a lifetime supporter. Lately, I’ve been ambivalent, and THIS just clinches it.

Seriously Fet, WHAT THE FUCK. You silence victims and survivors while giving abusers a fucking megaphone. You want my money? Not until we’re able to talk freely about our own abuse and violation without censorship. And to anyone invested in establishing a consent culture in the bdsm world… well, money talks.

OFFICIAL PROTEST PETITION: No money until we pass Prop 429

Breaking news

Notice that the protest event above has been deleted by Fet, with no explanation or warning given to any of us. I guess it was working! Two more protest events have now taken its place.


Just in case anyone is curious, THIS is the reason I don’t hang out on FetLife. But wait, there’s more…

From the man himself, John Baku, site founder:

Clueless Response #1

In response to your “Edited again”:
Rape is one of the worse crimes anyone can commit. Words can’t describe how disgusting rape is and how much hate I have for anyone who has in any way shape or form sexually assaulted another person.
And the only way to protect others from a sexual offender is by putting them behind bars. Not talking about them on FetLife, Facebook, writing a blog post on the interwebs… etc. It does not prevent this person from doing what they did again to someone else.
Agreed… the legal system has failed many a person… but all this energy should be spent improving the system and not allowing other to name their abusers on a site that is not setup, nor has the resources, to give a fair trial to both parties.
So let’s put our energy towards locking up the rapists and throwing away the keys! This way those who have raped can’t do it again and those who would ever consider rape would be so scared shitless of the consequences they would never even consider it.

Clueless Response #2

@yandy Once again I apologize for the way Christopher handled the case. The case was mishandled and we’ve spoken to him about it.
The overall health of FetLife’s community is by far our number one priority and that is why all of us spend so much time reading what people are saying.
I’ve read suggestion 429 and I’ve also read a lot of other discussions on the topic. From what I’ve read, the community is split on what direction FetLife should take so as a community we need to continue to push our ideas further until we find something that the community, overwhelmingly, can get behind.
Hence, we will continue to iterate over our policies and procedures as we discover new ways to make them better for the community.

Let me just stop for a second and say something I definitely would not be allowed to say on FetLife regarding this choice bit:

Words can’t describe how disgusting rape is and how much hate I have for anyone who has in any way shape or form sexually assaulted another person. - John Baku

John Baku sexually assaulted me. Drunk. At a kink party. In front of many others. I have pictures, which he has personally asked me not to post.

In that I had met him before and was sort of fond of him and he sort of reminded me of another drunk misbehaving dumbass I once loved, I laughed it off. But let it be clear - the reason John sees no problem with any of this rape apologist bullshit is because he has a foggy ass notion of consent and acceptable behavior himself.

And because HE PERSONALLY benefits from people like me staying silent.

About the policy itself, from other members:


It’s not that Facebook permits criminal accusations because they’re sympathetic to potential rape victims and what the hey, we’re a massive company, who cares if we get sued. Every company out to make a profit doesn’t want to get sued. Facebook in fact, does permit criminal accusations to be made via Facebook before they are decided by a trial, sometimes with unusual results. Facebook doesn’t take a stance on criminal accusations because it’s not their fucking problem. The second they try to control it, they create a precedent for deciding that it is their fucking problem - and then they’re going to have to answer the question of why they didn’t comb through a seriously gigantic amount of data to find all the shit that a judge or a jury thinks they ought to have found. That’s not how Facebook’s going to roll. If you have a problem with something someone said on Facebook, Facebook will cheerfully direct you to your local law enforcement.

Take a look at that. That’s how a company with a legit team on counsel handles their business, as opposed to John Baku and whatever dinky mail-order law-school drop-out he picked up at the local bar five years ago or whatever the fuck he did instead of trying to run his business like something other than a clueless fuckhead. If you’re going to cover your ass, cover your ass fucking properly.

Right. So. FetLife is Canadian, so oh noes we cannot name the rapists. Yes, Canada does have much stronger privacy laws than the United States. I wonder if that’s why they’re running this shit out of Dallas. John Baku is based out of Vancouver, but his staff is scattered all over North America. Honestly, we don’t even know to what extent FetLife “is” a Canadian company. According to what I just linked to, they registered their domain in Arizona. I think that complicates the “oh no we’re Canadian” defense a wee bit.

But what really complicates the “oh noes they’re naming the rapists” argument is the whole “oh noes they’re talking about pedophilia and bestiality and whatnot but oh hey watch us not give a shit” argument. If FetLife really had legal reasons for covering their ass, they’d do a much better job. That means that, yeah, John Baku needs to step up and tell us why he supports a self-admitted abuser’s right to not have his old username besmirched over the right of a human being to talk about some devastating shit that happened to them. Shit that they might’ve not had to go through if people could use FetLife to warn each other about people on FetLife. Which is all we’re asking.

tl;dr Fuck you, FetLife. Fuck you raw.


If another person who has had no fucking experience reporting a kink scene related sexual assault to the police says to report an incident to the police, I swear I am going to burn the fucking Internet down.


If one more goddamn person says “Go to the cops”, I’m firebombing.

LIke the cops are going to do fuck-all. Seriously.

This is so fucked up.

See also: http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/theres-a-war-on-part-4-just-us/

And this:


Honestly, if someone’s advice is to go to the police or the courts, then that should be the same standard applied to libel and false accusations. If someone makes a false accusation against you, go to the police. Stop expecting fetlife to police people for you. Oh wait, now we see why that response is just a derail.

Pitt bathroom policy surprises, outrages transgender faculty, students »

Since joining the faculty at the University of Pittsburgh in 2003, Emilia Lombardi has never had to worry much about which bathroom facilities she should use on the Oakland campus. The choice was simple: As a transgender person who identifies as a woman, it’s always made sense for her to use the ladies’ room.

“I have never had any issue using any [women-only] bathroom or changing facility,” Lombardi says. “I can’t see myself using the men’s room.”

Now she might have to.

On March 20, a university official informed Pitt’s Anti-Discriminatory Policies Committee that transgender students and faculty must use bathroom facilities that match the gender on their birth certificate rather than the gender with which they identify. Since news of the controversial policy broke in the Pitt News student newspaper, critics have condemned it as a potentially harmful move that violates the university’s anti-discrimination policy, which prohibits discrimination “on the basis of … gender identity and expression.”

“A lot of people were really shocked that they had taken such a harsh position,” says Jane Feuer, who chairs the ADPC, which advises the University Senate on issues regarding discrimination. “It was just dropped on us like a bomb.”

Before the announcement, Feuer says, the university never had a formal bathroom policy. Instead, she says, Pitt officials dealt with concerns about the use of restrooms on a case-by-case basis.

That’s what happened late last year at the Pitt-Johnstown branch campus, where a transgender student who identifies as male was expelled for using the men’s locker room.

The ADPC unanimously passed a resolution in February charging that the expulsion violated Pitt’s anti-discrimination policy. The committee also stated that students should be allowed to use bathrooms that match the gender with which they identify, and asked for a specific policy regarding bathroom usage for transgender people.

It got that policy during a March 20 ADPC meeting, when a university official representing Pitt’s HR and legal departments informed the committee of it. Transgender people, the official said, are prohibited from using bathroom facilities of the gender they identify with, unless they furnish a birth certificate matching that sex.

University officials have not been eager to discuss the policy. Even the official who disclosed it to the ADPC, for example, has not been identified; ADPC members say the person requested to remain anonymous. Robert Hill, Pitt’s vice chancellor of public affairs, declined to directly respond to an emailed list of questions about the policy. Instead, he emailed a statement that Pitt’s non-discrimination policy, as applied to restrooms, means that a student or faculty member can use the bathroom of “his or her declared gender identity after he or she has obtained a birth certificate designating the declared gender.”

“This does not represent a change in policy,” the email continues. “Rather, it is an articulation of a longstanding University practice.”

Rayden Sorock, a local advocate for transgender rights, says the policy is problematic for several reasons. For starters, changing the gender on a birth certificate requires sex-reassignment surgery, which is very costly and not always desired by transgendered people.

“[The policy] assumes that people want to change their bodies, and that they can afford to,” says Sorock.

Feuer says the University Senate is forming a committee to look into Pitt’s bathroom policy. In the meantime, she says, the ADPC is still trying to discuss the matter with university officials.

As for Lombardi, she has no plans of using the men’s bathroom.

“For my own safety,” she says, “I have to continue to use the same facilities.”

The movie "Bully" and why I am hesitant to see it »



From the above link:

To me, to make a movie that tells Tyler Long’s story without mentioning his autism is like telling Tyler Clementi’s story without saying that he was gay.  One Tyler was bullied because of stuff that gay kids do— having a guy over to his room.  One Tyler was bullied because of stuff kids with Asperger’s do— stuttering and being awkward around other people.

The only reason to tell his story this way is if you view autism as something to be ashamed of, as a dirty little secret best not talked about.

This is is wrong.

It is telling people with autism that who we are is shameful, that we should be hidden away.


I had actually wondered, when I saw the previews; I couldn’t remember if that was the right kid, and wasn’t about to go googling that. Potential trauma is too high.




Current TIME cover in the US (“10 Ideas That Are Changing Your Life!”) vs. current cover in Europe, Middle East, & Africa (“Who Will Save Syria?”)
Thanks again, TIME magazine, for denying Americans realistic news.

Another exhibit for the “Why Americans continue to be the least-informed people in the world about current events beyond their borders” show.  





Current TIME cover in the US (“10 Ideas That Are Changing Your Life!”) vs. current cover in Europe, Middle East, & Africa (“Who Will Save Syria?”)

Thanks again, TIME magazine, for denying Americans realistic news.

Another exhibit for the “Why Americans continue to be the least-informed people in the world about current events beyond their borders” show.  







An innocent Iraqi kid was shot in Iraq by the American army and his body was used as a toy to play with, I wonder who’s the real terrorist?!

Heartless bastards that dont deserve to live. Killing people with cold blood thinking its just another video game.


Do you know how fucking angry this makes me.
I don’t know what i would do if i saw this happening in front of me.






An innocent Iraqi kid was shot in Iraq by the American army and his body was used as a toy to play with, I wonder who’s the real terrorist?!

Heartless bastards that dont deserve to live. Killing people with cold blood thinking its just another video game.







Do you know how fucking angry this makes me.


I don’t know what i would do if i saw this happening in front of me.

New Orleans Police Chief Ronal Serpas revealed to the media this week that the NOPD will soon be responding to allegations of drug activity with a campaign that some feel will create more problems than it could solve. Acting on citizen tips provided to the New Orleans Crimestroppers Inc website, the NOPD will now descend on homes alleged to engage in drug activity and, regardless of the outcome, place a large, bright orange sticker on the home. »