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#rape apologism

mistressaliceinbondageland:

BRILLIANT!!!

calleo:

"It’s like being presented with a sirloin steak and being told you can’t eat it."

Well.

I presented my two dogs with an actual sirloin steak, then told them no.

Woofles didn’t even approach it when I set it down, as I hadn’t told him it was okay to do so.
Quinn approached it, completely ready to take it from the plate (as her manners are not yet as good as Woofles’ manners), was told no, and immediately backed off.

When Woofles heard the no, he turned away as well because he knew that steak was not for him to eat.

Notice how they didn’t ‘argue’, didn’t take it anyway, didn’t get aggressive, didn’t beg, or didn’t try to somehow persuade me that they should be able to have it.

They were told no, they backed off.

So, essentially, if you use that analogy to excuse rape, you’re saying you have less self control and fewer basic social manners than my two dogs.

That also probably means you should be neutered and kept on a leash.

How in the living fuck does this not have more notes?

“There are a group of people who can consistently be counted on to argue that men’s sexuality is animalistic, feral, uncontrolled, dangerous; that men just can’t help themselves. These people are the rape apologists. If men can’t help themselves but to rape, why is it even wrong? This argument usually isn’t stated explicitly, because when stated explicitly it’s too over-the-top. But it is at the core of every comment that rape has to do with how the victim was dressed or whether she gave off the “wrong” signals.”

Emily Yoffe: A Further Catalog Of Ways She Is Wrong

tw: prioritizing abusers

Susan Wright:

Personally I think we need to empower the physical BDSM groups and events more. If someone is abused by another member, they should be able to make that accusation and get a hearing from the group. I was elected the Arbiter of TES for several years, and we had to deal with hard issues like this. An arbitration would give abusers a voice, and it would give those accused a voice.

When I first read that last line, I was annoyed and amused at the order in which she listed abusers and accusers, as if that’s how she mentally prioritized these groups - abusers first, then accusers.

Then I went to share it with somebody…

And I noticed it.

An arbitration would give abusers a voice, and it would give those accused a voice.

I was wrong. That second group wasn’t accusers, it was those accused. Ya know, otherwise known as the abusers.

In fairness, this is only a word slip in the midst of a longer comment. I highly recommend reading it and the next several that follow here. It’s entirely possible she meant to say “An arbitration would give accusers a voice, and it would give those accused a voice.” It’s an easy slip to make. Hell, I originally misread accused as accusers myself just because it’s what expected from the sentence structure.

Yet I note that she frames most of the debate in terms of accusations and false accusations and ruined reputations. She hardly mentions victims at all, except of course victims of false accusations. In her mental world, victims of other kinds of abuse barely seem to exist.

Sure, she mentions them, because they’re the ones who cause all these problems for her and the people she defends, but their issues somehow just don’t seem to be all that real or legitimate because of the epic hoards of deceitful butt-hurt people she apparently spends a great deal of her time defending people against.

The thing that bugs me about Susan is that she seems consistently to come down on the side of the accused. Because that’s her job:

… Yes, my survey was about people being persecuted because of their kink. That’s what I do, and that’s what NCSF does. Anything else is outside the scope of this organization.

She even gives an example, one which she says she regrets:

I think I’ve made mistakes along the way – in one instance I spoke to the accused and the witness to the scene, and soon realized he had made a technical error combined with newby ignorance, and I recommended he apologize deeply to his victim and be removed from his staff position to make it clear to anyone who knew about the situation that it was being taken seriously. I didn’t personally speak to the victim, which in hindsight I should have insisted on doing so.

Ya think?

I think the work Susan is doing to destigmatize BDSM through the organization she founded (National Coalition for Sexual Freedom) in 1997 is great - people shouldn’t get persecuted for their kink like they do. But I’m mad at hell that she (as spokesperson for the NCSF) is being looked to as the one to lead the discussion over whether victims of consent violations and rape be allowed to talk openly about what happened to them on Fetlife.

Because while she may talk about transparency, she advocates private arbitration, which she has no evidence works in these sorts of scenarios. And talking openly about the things that are fucked up about the BDSM community and don’t meet its projected ideals is very against the positive PR work the NCSF tries to do. I think there’s perhaps an internal conflict of interest and/or mission here that may not perhaps be obvious to those deepest involved.

EDIT: And then there’s this:

It is irresponsible to sweep the actual abuse happening in our community under the rug because it might make the co…

you dont have to speak out about abuse to incur the wrath of merely speakin out is enuf

Do you have a link documenting someone from the NCSF telling you to shut up? Because I’d love to see that.

was present when I spoke w Susan Wright from the look on my face said it all thus her blog in my defense

I had worked w re: media so Susans sex shaming screaming tirade a day after they reposted my feature left me in shock

love to send you a DM w more details haven’t spoken out til now too traumatized and needed time to figure it out in my head

yes I was there. Total slut shaming on the NCSF’s part. *insert snark*

so said you wanted a link to the post there you go.

Ah. I hadn’t realized it was a first person account.

I was in the room and I could hear NCSF chick on the wireless phone thing. Across the sofa. SHE WAS LOUD AS A MOTHERFUCKER

She was talking to someone else?

she was screaming so loudly I could hear every single word

and that is when I politely stepped out of the room to try and handle it civilly but it was too late

yea DV left room for maybe 5 minutes but that meant I heard most of it. Yelling turned to screaming.

the yelling started when I refused to gag myself indef like S Wright suggested and told her Id done nothing wrong

oh you mean she’s naturally loud cuz whole part I heard sounded like yelling. Screaming is few decibels higher

The National Coalition of Sexual Freedom is a BDSM Scene PR front

sinshine:

SusanWright SusanWright
: about 1 month ago

Actually, I think both reasons are very good reasons for the BDSM communities to take responsibility for trying to change the fact that rape and sexual assault are under reported in the BDSM communities.

1. We have to do what we can to change the “rape culture” and NCSF is working on that in part through our latest initiative Consent Counts (which is why this group is here and you’re commenting on this problem - because it’s one that needs to change). We have other initiatives coming under Consent Counts that are being crafted right now in part because of these discussions here and elsewhere.

2. The BDSM communities need to know we have the added issue of the stigma of BDSM to overcome. NCSF was created to destigmatize BDSM and is doing that through all of our programs every time we reach out to the mainstream and educate people that BDSM is not violence. We need to consider this stigma when we look at under reporting because, like I said, there is nothing worse than having a victim look at me and decline going to the police because being outed as part of the BDSM communities is worse than being raped. It shouldn’t be like that.

Yes, my survey was about people being persecuted because of their kink. That’s what I do, and that’s what NCSF does. Anything else is outside the scope of this organization. Which BTW does a tremendous amount of work on a tiny budget (PLEASE join NCSF now if you support our efforts - every dollar counts in this struggle).

I am confident that we can change the way things are as far as people being persecuted for their kink and educating about consent itself. I believe that we can have an affect on the mainstream in the same way the term “consenting adults” and the concept of safewords have permeated the mainstream. I’m hoping the new initiatives NCSF is working on can be an example not only for BDSM groups and events, but for the mainstream, and we change the way people view consent and the need for consent before any personal activities take place.

I’m an activist, and I believe in making change, not excuses.

(emphasis added)

Oh yeah… why is this relevant? Because of this:

JohnBaku JohnBaku 12 days ago

Update on Naming Abusers

Just an update, on top of asking for your input, we are also now currently working with the NCSF to not only figure out what stance should be taken on “naming abusers” but what else we can do to productively deal with consent violations that happen in a BDSM context.

I know a lot of you are very passionate about this topic and for very good reason. So I know it is a lot to ask of you, but please be patient with us. It would be reckless of us to come to a decision overnight because, as you all know, there are a lot of complex issues that must be considered.

This is not a decision we are taking by ourselves but a decision we will be taking with both your input and that of the NCSF’s.

The National Coalition of Sexual Freedom is a BDSM Scene PR front

maymay:

Cross-posted from a conversation on Facebook:

Credit ought go to Insane Hussein Reviews for [finding this article offering insight into pro-domme work].

Sadly, Domina Vontana apparently received a massive negative blow-back from her local BDSM Scene in Washington [DC] for this piece, including from Susan Wright, founder the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) that one blogger said was tantamount to “passive aggressive slut-shaming.” I’m finding it difficult to disagree with that assessment, but I am doubtless influenced by my personal distaste for the NCSF. That, in no small part, was spawned by from their refusal to engage in support of the KinkForAll unconferences I was helping to (un)organize when I faced serious accusations from anti-BDSM and pro-censorship activists.

The fact that the NCSF has also effectively rubber-stamped FetLife.com’s effort to keep sexual assault survivors silent [see below] is another contributing factor to my distaste of them as an organization. Further, the NCSF’s stance has long been disgustingly assimilationist. Clear as I can tell, the NCSF is nothing other than a BDSM Scene PR machine, and thus a front for systemic rapist-enabling social dynamics in the BDSM Scene all over the globe.

I can’t respect an institution that behaves that way while espousing ideals of “sexual freedom.” I don’t understand how any ethical person can.

Over on FetLife, in Susan Wright’s own words:

I wish our legal system worked for this, but clearly it’s not. 90% of kinky people don’t report violence or harassment so we have too far to go to make the the only solution right now. There has to be a huge change in society and the way abuse allegations are handled first. There also has to be a change in the way BDSM is viewed by the mainstream so we aren’t persecuted for our sexual choices.

Personally I think we need to empower the physical BDSM groups and events more. If someone is abused by another member, they should be able to make that accusation and get a hearing from the group. I was elected the Arbiter of TES for several years, and we had to deal with hard issues like this. An arbitration is a private process that would give abusers a voice, and it would give those accused a voice. Then the situation could be discussed to determine if it was a consent violation, or a technical error, a mistake in communication, or a bad scene which is not necessarily abuse. Even if there is no definitive conclusion, if someone is accused a second or third time, then a pattern exists and that person could be refused entry to attend events.

By encouraging communication about abuse, we’ll be educating people in the scene how to protect themselves. By holding people accountable for what they do, we will be encouraging responsibility for everyone. I think transparency is the key, but it has to be equal. Accusers can’t be anonymous if they are going to point fingers. That leaves the door open to false accusations.

People keep saying in this discussion here and elsewhere that false accusations aren’t important. But because of the persecution that exists around BDSM, it’s much easier to blackmail someone or destroy someone’s life by outing them. That’s what false accusers do. Blackmail is the largest form of harassment against the BDSM community according to my Violence & Discrimination survey in 2008.

That means false accusations may be a tiny part of the mainstream, but not in the BDSM community. NCSF is contacted by plenty of people who have been reported by their partner for abuse or assault after a consensual scene as a form of retaliation for breaking up, cheating, relationship problems, etc. The problem is so pervasive, that NCSF has just published two guides to navigating the social service and law enforcement systems – one for victims and the other for people accused of abuse. Criminal issues and domestic violence comprise about half of the reports we get to NCSF’s Incident Reporting and Response.

I definitely don’t want to silence accusers, but claiming that there’s no harm in false accusations is completely wrong. People lose their jobs. Child custody hearings are often venues for counter abuse allegations. And I recently spoke to a guy who was arrested by the Military Police and is going through a court martial over allegations of abuse because he lied to his sub about being married and she knew that was the best way to get him back.

So we need to find a solution that actually more transparent than accusations from behind a Fetlife sockpuppet. I would rather we created space in our educational groups where they can tell their story and their accused can respond in kind.

Sounds nice in theory, but it foregoes the fact that BDSM organizations are the ones who are maintaining the silence among BDSM’ers themselves. What good is an arbitration process in “the physical BDSM groups and events” when it is so clearly the people in those very groups that are the problem‽ Just one example, off the top of my head, is the controversy surrounding the Jade Gate in Portland, Oregon, when Mark Yu, a prominent BDSM’er in the area, was accused of sexual assault and the community rallied around him and did fuckall to support the survivor.

By the way, some time ago, I found another post offering insight into pro-domme work that I think is worth a read for anyone interested.

More from SusanWright: about 1 month ago

I say “it’s a big problem” because of two reasons. First, it goes beyond harming the person who is falsely accused. Every time some gives a false report against a kinky person or outs another kinkster, it perpetuates the stigma against us. We’re already fighting against enough outside forces, it makes it harder when insiders are helping to perpetuate that stigma for their own petty gains. I equate it to the politicians who fight for anti-gay laws when they themselves are having same-sex relations.

And I also meant that it’s a bigger problem for BDSM people than in the mainstream because it’s so easy for kinky people to be accused. We leave marks. We engage in behavior that people already think is violence. You don’t have to go far to “prove” that you’ve been assaulted if you present your marks and claim it was against your will. The rush to judgement is usually against the kinky top, whereas in vanilla date rape cases the rush to judgement is usually against the victim.

We need to talk about the fact that false reporting is happening and it is hurting our entire community. And you’re right, having the stats would help. The problem is we will never have the definitive numbers because it’s so difficult to tell unless there’s a jury trial and all the evidence can be presented.

and…

SusanWright SusanWright: about 1 month ago

Actually, I think both reasons are very good reasons for the BDSM communities to take responsibility for trying to change the fact that rape and sexual assault are under reported in the BDSM communities.

1. We have to do what we can to change the “rape culture” and NCSF is working on that in part through our latest initiative Consent Counts (which is why this group is here and you’re commenting on this problem - because it’s one that needs to change). We have other initiatives coming under Consent Counts that are being crafted right now in part because of these discussions here and elsewhere.

2. The BDSM communities need to know we have the added issue of the stigma of BDSM to overcome. NCSF was created to destigmatize BDSM and is doing that through all of our programs every time we reach out to the mainstream and educate people that BDSM is not violence. We need to consider this stigma when we look at under reporting because, like I said, there is nothing worse than having a victim look at me and decline going to the police because being outed as part of the BDSM communities is worse than being raped. It shouldn’t be like that.

Yes, my survey was about people being persecuted because of their kink. That’s what I do, and that’s what NCSF does. Anything else is outside the scope of this organization. Which BTW does a tremendous amount of work on a tiny budget (PLEASE join NCSF now if you support our efforts - every dollar counts in this struggle).

I am confident that we can change the way things are as far as people being persecuted for their kink and educating about consent itself. I believe that we can have an affect on the mainstream in the same way the term “consenting adults” and the concept of safewords have permeated the mainstream. I’m hoping the new initiatives NCSF is working on can be an example not only for BDSM groups and events, but for the mainstream, and we change the way people view consent and the need for consent before any personal activities take place.

I’m an activist, and I believe in making change, not excuses.

(emphasis added)

Something that makes me uncomfortable

outofthetiles:

 Trigger Warning: is how much rape apologism and internalized misogyny I’ve seen on FetLife.

I mean, the whole not being able to name your abuser thing? Absolute shit. So ridiculously shit that I cannot even begin to fathom the shittiness that it is. PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO WARN AND BE WARNED ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSERS AND RAPISTS. TO THINK OTHERWISE IS TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE IDEA THAT WOMEN*** ARE INHERENTLY DESERVING OF UN-CONSENTED SEXUAL ABUSE AND/OR RAPE. FULL STOP. PERIOD. END.

And yes, if you DON’T think women* ought to be warned about potential abuse/rape, then you DO think it is inherently deserved. You don’t have to admit it to yourself for it to be true.

***Not only women, all genders, but from what I’ve seen so far it’s been 99% ciswomen who have been abused and subsequently silenced.

Moving along. 

I get that a lot of kinks and play are based in traditional misogynistic ideas. I get that it isn’t inherently misogynistic to enjoy that power dynamic. But there is a huge difference between PLAYing misogynistic kinks with someone and BEING misogynistic. 

I mean…

I am ALL ABOUT obedience and being commanded by a Dom. I love the dynamic. I love taking off my responsible adult pants and handing the reigns over. But the thing is that this dynamic doesn’t work if my partner doesn’t respect me. It doesn’t work of my partner actually believes to their core that these misogynistic things that we do are real and true and inherent because of my genitals.

And it isn’t to say that misogyny does not exist outside of the kinky community. I am FULLY AWARE of it’s running amok since the beginning of time. I’ve just noticed a lot of people in the kinky community that either a) got into kink *because* of their misogynistic ideas or b) allow the power dynamics of being kinky to further and/or solidify their misogynistic ideas.

For example, I received an message today from a user who approached me about acting in his porn videos. Given the nature of this website I’m not surprised. But there are a few points I would like to make:

1) Completely unsolicited. I neither contacted this person, nor expressed interest in porn in my profile

2) Right off the bat he included scheduling information, compensation information***, and details (including samples) of acts to be performed.

3) Closed the message with a “confidentiality agreement” forbidding the recipient (me) from sharing any part of the message with anyone lest legal action be taken.

***The fact that he included compensation is even more sketchy. Compensation should be based on experience and negotiated between the two parties privately. The “take it or leave it” deal is set up to exploit.

I’m sorry, but approaching an unknown woman to do porn, sending her sexually explicit details including unsolicited imagery and then DEMANDING SHE NEVER SPEAK OF IT TO ANYONE AND THREATENING TO SUE IF SHE DOES is dripping in so much misogyny and male privilege it makes me want to fucking puke. This is sexual harassment. Would you walk up to a woman on the street and shove an ipad playing porn under her nose while propositioning her to do the same? Would it be harassment then? Yes! So why then and not now?

And upon sharing this experience with part of the community (an action I’ve since rescinded) I got all sorts of messages about this person’s privacy, and how “it’s not even that bad” and “he didn’t do anything wrong… he’s just spamming his business”. 

No. Fuck you. 

Sending a message saying something like…..

“Hey, I shoot porn, here is a brief description of what we’re looking for, let me know if you’re interested, then I can provide examples and we can discuss the details”

THAT IS SPAMMING YOUR BUSINESS. WHAT I RECEIVED IS NOT.

Some days I wonder if fetlife is for me.

rape denialism vs rape apologism

SarahMCsays:

I would also be sure to include an FAQ on rape denialism, which is different from rape apologism.

I take the following from a thread on Feministing (http://feministing.com/archives/008281.html):

“Rape denialism, noun, the ideology of denying or minimizing the prevalence of rape.

Contrast with rape apologism, the ideology of denying the seriousness of rape.

The rape denialist acknowledges the category “rape” and overtly endorses the view that it is wrong and grievously so. The rape denialist then attempts to construct arguments by which few or no rapes can be defined or verified.

Because rape denialists acknowledge the seriousness of rape, they frequently make extravagant assertions about how rapists should be dealt with; often through torture. The severity of proposed consequences, however, can be pressed into service in (1) defining rape as so aberrant that only the non-functional mentally ill would commit the act; and (2) that it is quite rare. The rape denialist often seeks to exclude acquaintance rape of any kind, any rape not causing visible physical injuries, and any rape where the rapist or any other party could pay a money judgment in any civil action, usually on the premise (among others) that fabricated allegations are common. For this proposition, only anecdotal evidence is generally offered, often in the form of an aside about the Duke rape case. Before Duke, the anecdote of choice was Tawana Brawley.

Rape denial and rape apology are conceptually separate, but are often simply rhetorical strategies employed by the same men. Properly understod, then, rape denialism is a special class of rape apology.”

the Demon, Kia:

Here’s the thing, yo. I don’t know if I can keep having anything to do with ‘kink community’. I may just phase out FL, now that I’ve archived much of what I care about over here. I’m having big waves of “I give up” about all this abuse-culture shit . ….

It’s seeing that the overwhelming majority of kinksters are apparently deeply rape-apologetic & abuse-enabling while chattering about how ‘safe’ ‘kink community’ is . .. … ~cheerleadcheerleadrahrahrah~

I was apparently under the misapprehension that fine nuances of consent were actually important to the majority of the ‘kink community’, but I think that might have been a very naive take on the situation. Like I said, clearly the majority of kinksters think that the ever-popular we-negotiated-a-nice-flogging-&-some-bondage-but-some-illicit-fingering-got-thrown-in-against-safewording-repeatedly is both not a big deal (certainly not such that someone subjected to such treatment should, say, identify the consent-violator) & death-penalty-deserving-rape all at the same time (ie, cops must verify that the rape is ‘important’ enough to be worth other people being ‘concerned’) — at best. :/

& I just can’t. I’m kinda sickened & repelled. I might finally have reached my limit. & that actually feels like a good & healthy place to have reached. This wasn’t the ‘kink community’ I thought it was, & I’ve kinda battered myself in the face with that reality enough to have had enough …

(link added)

…and the rape (finally) hits the fan on FetLife

DreamsOfSpider:

Why is it more ethical for someone to tell all their friends (who presumably tell all their friends, etc.) that Mr. Bad Top is bad news, v. posting a journal entry saying “Mr. Bad Top is bad news”? As far as I can see, if Mr. Bad Top is innocent, he’s in a better position in the second case — he’s more likely to find out that he’s being accused, and he can then speak up with his side of the story.

This snippet is good enough, but then I went and read the post it was commenting on, which I’ma repost here before it gets fucking disappeared:

I just received the following email.

Note | 646 Comments · 594 Love It |4 days ago

Hi there,
I’m a caretaker with the FetLife team. Recently we had a report about your writing, and after review, your writing has been edited and we are writing to let you know. Basically, it’s really not cool to post something that accuses another member of FetLife of a crime. So, we’re giving you a heads up that this behavior is discouraged on our site.
Please know that continued posts like this will result in a warning, and continued warnings can get you removed from FetLife. We really hate to do that, so we hope you’ll avoid any inappropriate comments in the future.
If you’re having a problem or conflict with another user – we want to help! Please let us know what’s going on, so that we can get involved and help to resolve the issue. We’d much rather do that, than play the bad guy :) We hope you understand, and if you have any questions or comments please don’t hesitate to get back to us.
Christopher

This Caretaker edited my journal entry to remove the names of MATTHEW, who is not a user of the site anymore and another dominant member of the New York City scene who sexually penetrated me without my consent. He also removed a comment on the journal entry by @Cashmere, who stated that that same site user had similarly sexually penetrated her after she had explicitly told him not to interact with her genitals or penetrate her in any way.

I’m going to say that again: CHRISTOPHER EDITED MY JOURNAL ENTRY TO DELETE A REFERENCE TO TWO PEOPLE WHO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME AND ANOTHER PERSON.

EDIT

>Dear yandy,

What you’ve gone through is terrible, and no one should ever have to go through it. As we’ve told you before, we’re totally fine with you talking about your experiences here on FetLife.
Unfortunately making criminal accusations is not currently allowed on FetLife, as you very well know. And now we’ve received another report of you making criminal accusations. Accordingly, we have edited out that part of that post as well, and are now giving you an official FetLife warning.
Please note – we are trying to make as minor of changes as we can to your posts, to preserve their integrity as much as we can while still keeping them within our rules. If there is anything we can help you with, please let us know
Christopher

EDIT

Dear yandy,
What has happened to you is terrible. No one is trying to deny that – not anyone that I have seen in that thread or elsewhere. And people who do that sort of thing to any other human beings should pay. They should have to pay for what they did to you. No matter what price they pay, that won’t restore you to the person you were before this occurred. But they damn well should have to pay to make it as close as possible!
Unfortunately, what you are trying to do doesn’t make that happen. Making criminal accusations is currently against FetLife rules, as you are very aware of. And those we will delete, but try to do so in such a manner as to change your writing or comments as little as possible.
I realize that you don’t agree with this policy. I wish that we could move forward together, to foster awareness of the problem within the community, to try to minimize the mindset among some who don’t seem to realize how wrong this is, and to help victims of sexual assault within our community in particular. Those things we stand ready to help foster and assist.
Christopher

Then this post, as a response.

Hey Fetlife, you want my money? STOP PROTECTING RAPISTS.

Journal Entry | 410 Comments · 503 Love It |4 days ago

I’ve been on this site since the year it started and have paid to support it since. I love how it brings together even the farthest corners of the bdsm world, and it’s played an integral role in my career as a bdsm professional and businesswoman.

My support subscription ran out a week or so ago. At one point, I was certain that I was going my renewal would be as a lifetime supporter. Lately, I’ve been ambivalent, and THIS just clinches it.

Seriously Fet, WHAT THE FUCK. You silence victims and survivors while giving abusers a fucking megaphone. You want my money? Not until we’re able to talk freely about our own abuse and violation without censorship. And to anyone invested in establishing a consent culture in the bdsm world… well, money talks.

OFFICIAL PROTEST PETITION: No money until we pass Prop 429

Breaking news

Notice that the protest event above has been deleted by Fet, with no explanation or warning given to any of us. I guess it was working! Two more protest events have now taken its place.

Protest!
Protest!

Just in case anyone is curious, THIS is the reason I don’t hang out on FetLife. But wait, there’s more…

From the man himself, John Baku, site founder:

Clueless Response #1

In response to your “Edited again”:
Rape is one of the worse crimes anyone can commit. Words can’t describe how disgusting rape is and how much hate I have for anyone who has in any way shape or form sexually assaulted another person.
And the only way to protect others from a sexual offender is by putting them behind bars. Not talking about them on FetLife, Facebook, writing a blog post on the interwebs… etc. It does not prevent this person from doing what they did again to someone else.
Agreed… the legal system has failed many a person… but all this energy should be spent improving the system and not allowing other to name their abusers on a site that is not setup, nor has the resources, to give a fair trial to both parties.
So let’s put our energy towards locking up the rapists and throwing away the keys! This way those who have raped can’t do it again and those who would ever consider rape would be so scared shitless of the consequences they would never even consider it.

Clueless Response #2

@yandy Once again I apologize for the way Christopher handled the case. The case was mishandled and we’ve spoken to him about it.
The overall health of FetLife’s community is by far our number one priority and that is why all of us spend so much time reading what people are saying.
I’ve read suggestion 429 and I’ve also read a lot of other discussions on the topic. From what I’ve read, the community is split on what direction FetLife should take so as a community we need to continue to push our ideas further until we find something that the community, overwhelmingly, can get behind.
Hence, we will continue to iterate over our policies and procedures as we discover new ways to make them better for the community.

Let me just stop for a second and say something I definitely would not be allowed to say on FetLife regarding this choice bit:

Words can’t describe how disgusting rape is and how much hate I have for anyone who has in any way shape or form sexually assaulted another person. - John Baku

John Baku sexually assaulted me. Drunk. At a kink party. In front of many others. I have pictures, which he has personally asked me not to post.

In that I had met him before and was sort of fond of him and he sort of reminded me of another drunk misbehaving dumbass I once loved, I laughed it off. But let it be clear - the reason John sees no problem with any of this rape apologist bullshit is because he has a foggy ass notion of consent and acceptable behavior himself.

And because HE PERSONALLY benefits from people like me staying silent.

About the policy itself, from other members:

Ninotchka:

It’s not that Facebook permits criminal accusations because they’re sympathetic to potential rape victims and what the hey, we’re a massive company, who cares if we get sued. Every company out to make a profit doesn’t want to get sued. Facebook in fact, does permit criminal accusations to be made via Facebook before they are decided by a trial, sometimes with unusual results. Facebook doesn’t take a stance on criminal accusations because it’s not their fucking problem. The second they try to control it, they create a precedent for deciding that it is their fucking problem - and then they’re going to have to answer the question of why they didn’t comb through a seriously gigantic amount of data to find all the shit that a judge or a jury thinks they ought to have found. That’s not how Facebook’s going to roll. If you have a problem with something someone said on Facebook, Facebook will cheerfully direct you to your local law enforcement.

Take a look at that. That’s how a company with a legit team on counsel handles their business, as opposed to John Baku and whatever dinky mail-order law-school drop-out he picked up at the local bar five years ago or whatever the fuck he did instead of trying to run his business like something other than a clueless fuckhead. If you’re going to cover your ass, cover your ass fucking properly.

Right. So. FetLife is Canadian, so oh noes we cannot name the rapists. Yes, Canada does have much stronger privacy laws than the United States. I wonder if that’s why they’re running this shit out of Dallas. John Baku is based out of Vancouver, but his staff is scattered all over North America. Honestly, we don’t even know to what extent FetLife “is” a Canadian company. According to what I just linked to, they registered their domain in Arizona. I think that complicates the “oh no we’re Canadian” defense a wee bit.

But what really complicates the “oh noes they’re naming the rapists” argument is the whole “oh noes they’re talking about pedophilia and bestiality and whatnot but oh hey watch us not give a shit” argument. If FetLife really had legal reasons for covering their ass, they’d do a much better job. That means that, yeah, John Baku needs to step up and tell us why he supports a self-admitted abuser’s right to not have his old username besmirched over the right of a human being to talk about some devastating shit that happened to them. Shit that they might’ve not had to go through if people could use FetLife to warn each other about people on FetLife. Which is all we’re asking.

tl;dr Fuck you, FetLife. Fuck you raw.

MataLeao

If another person who has had no fucking experience reporting a kink scene related sexual assault to the police says to report an incident to the police, I swear I am going to burn the fucking Internet down.

TheValeyard:

If one more goddamn person says “Go to the cops”, I’m firebombing.

LIke the cops are going to do fuck-all. Seriously.

This is so fucked up.

See also: http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/theres-a-war-on-part-4-just-us/

And this:

Mad_Patter: 

Honestly, if someone’s advice is to go to the police or the courts, then that should be the same standard applied to libel and false accusations. If someone makes a false accusation against you, go to the police. Stop expecting fetlife to police people for you. Oh wait, now we see why that response is just a derail.