Trigger Warning: is how much rape apologism and internalized misogyny I’ve seen on FetLife.
I mean, the whole not being able to name your abuser thing? Absolute shit. So ridiculously shit that I cannot even begin to fathom the shittiness that it is. PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO WARN AND BE WARNED ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSERS AND RAPISTS. TO THINK OTHERWISE IS TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE IDEA THAT WOMEN*** ARE INHERENTLY DESERVING OF UN-CONSENTED SEXUAL ABUSE AND/OR RAPE. FULL STOP. PERIOD. END.
And yes, if you DON’T think women* ought to be warned about potential abuse/rape, then you DO think it is inherently deserved. You don’t have to admit it to yourself for it to be true.
***Not only women, all genders, but from what I’ve seen so far it’s been 99% ciswomen who have been abused and subsequently silenced.
I get that a lot of kinks and play are based in traditional misogynistic ideas. I get that it isn’t inherently misogynistic to enjoy that power dynamic. But there is a huge difference between PLAYing misogynistic kinks with someone and BEING misogynistic.
I am ALL ABOUT obedience and being commanded by a Dom. I love the dynamic. I love taking off my responsible adult pants and handing the reigns over. But the thing is that this dynamic doesn’t work if my partner doesn’t respect me. It doesn’t work of my partner actually believes to their core that these misogynistic things that we do are real and true and inherent because of my genitals.
And it isn’t to say that misogyny does not exist outside of the kinky community. I am FULLY AWARE of it’s running amok since the beginning of time. I’ve just noticed a lot of people in the kinky community that either a) got into kink *because* of their misogynistic ideas or b) allow the power dynamics of being kinky to further and/or solidify their misogynistic ideas.
For example, I received an message today from a user who approached me about acting in his porn videos. Given the nature of this website I’m not surprised. But there are a few points I would like to make:
1) Completely unsolicited. I neither contacted this person, nor expressed interest in porn in my profile
2) Right off the bat he included scheduling information, compensation information***, and details (including samples) of acts to be performed.
3) Closed the message with a “confidentiality agreement” forbidding the recipient (me) from sharing any part of the message with anyone lest legal action be taken.
***The fact that he included compensation is even more sketchy. Compensation should be based on experience and negotiated between the two parties privately. The “take it or leave it” deal is set up to exploit.
I’m sorry, but approaching an unknown woman to do porn, sending her sexually explicit details including unsolicited imagery and then DEMANDING SHE NEVER SPEAK OF IT TO ANYONE AND THREATENING TO SUE IF SHE DOES is dripping in so much misogyny and male privilege it makes me want to fucking puke. This is sexual harassment. Would you walk up to a woman on the street and shove an ipad playing porn under her nose while propositioning her to do the same? Would it be harassment then? Yes! So why then and not now?
And upon sharing this experience with part of the community (an action I’ve since rescinded) I got all sorts of messages about this person’s privacy, and how “it’s not even that bad” and “he didn’t do anything wrong… he’s just spamming his business”.
No. Fuck you.
Sending a message saying something like…..
“Hey, I shoot porn, here is a brief description of what we’re looking for, let me know if you’re interested, then I can provide examples and we can discuss the details”
THAT IS SPAMMING YOUR BUSINESS. WHAT I RECEIVED IS NOT.
Some days I wonder if fetlife is for me.