So go find someone who fucks you right and treats you how you deserve to be treated.
Have faith. It can happen. It finally did for me. And now I can’t get the chorus of this song outta my head.
- mah sweetie: Yeah, I'm registering you as a Domestic Partner
- moi: woot!
- mah sweetie: which basically requires that we be committed, exclusive, etc.
- moi: I's your DP.
- mah sweetie: :)
- moi: ...or your DPP
- mah sweetie: ?
- moi: (double penetration partner)
- mah sweetie: hah
- moi: no, wait, that would be DPDP (double penetration domestic partner)
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via jesusfuckmechrist)
I am reblogging this specifically for the hilarity that is step 8.
YES omg just yes
Women’s sexuality is something that I’m obsessed with. I think it’s weird that teenage girls know more about giving blow jobs than they do about masturbation. It makes me sick to my stomach that so many young girls think sex is just about a guy finishing. - Elizabeth Olsen, for Dazed & Confused
all right guys here it is THE BIG GAY ANIMAL SEX POST
or in other words, “Why Nonhuman Homosexual and Asexual Behavior has both Survival and Reproductive Benefits” aka that lit review i’d like to write if i could ever be arsed to get around to it
yes reproductive benefits you heard correctly we’re gonna get there but first we better do a basic rundown of what I mean by homosexual/asexual behaviors
IRREVERENT DISCUSSION OF ANIMAL SEX BEHIND CUT YOU’VE BEEN WARNED
Even if we weren’t having sex, I’d still want to be with him.
The fact that we *are* having sex is Nutella on a donut. Like the donut was already pretty damn amazing all on its own but the creamy, chocolaty, gooey goodness on top takes it to a whole new level.
Right from the night we first met, I knew he was boyfriend material. But now it’s slowly starting to dawn on me that he’s also best friend material.
And that’s just like, wow.